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2004-08-24 - 12:27 a.m.

Soooo, this morning at 5:40 i was awoken by the phone and thought that it was my alarm which is my phone too so that was pretty logical considering my sleep shrouded mind. we ended our relationship a year ago when he was going to move to LA to become a film director or get his screne play produced or whatever. he directs commercials for a living and makes short films in his spare time. our whole relationship was seriously fucked up because he is so arrogant and continually maintained this attitude towards me that was a bit condescending but it amused me to allow him to feel superior so i usually just ignored it and carried around a secret smile...after he left and we were supposed to be over he came to visit to get 'closure' several times and none of them seemed to bring what he was looking for because he kept calling or emailing and coming back. he even ended up coming up for thanksgiving and spending it with my family and i with us knowing that this was to be the 'last' time we saw each other... it actually was but my family really liked him which made it suck even more. so after several really mean and petulant email exchanges (and a number of drunken calls and emails back from me telling him to just quit and leave me alone) finally there was no more conflict for a while. then of course i had to be an idiot and i sent him this really funny drawing i found online with this little guy that had his hands in his pockets (it appeared that he was playing with himself) and the caption said 'you just make stalking so much fun' he wrote back and was congenial for the first time in a long one so on april 1, i sent him a really snotty message about loving him and needing him but thought that he would get that i was being a wiseass by the date. he didn't get that part for a while. months went by and in june he was on a shoot and got wasted with his pals and sent me a proposal for marriage that was really amusing. it was really obvious that he was drunk (not just by the time of the email but also by all of the misspellings) i corrected the spelling errors and wrote back to him telling him that he was lucky that i didn't take him seriously. this started another bevy of emails which ended in him saying that he needed to come see me to decide if i was really the One for him. which i may be but our lives are on different paths and they just are not going to cross. he was supposed to come up and ended up blowing me off until this morning. even tho he sent one particular email that seemed to pour out his heart and he told me how he loved me and would never be happy if he couldn't find out if we were meant to be together. at this point i don't really care if we are i am so sick of the tug and pull games that we are playing. so, he was obviously drunk and told me that he was finally on his way to LA. car packed and ready to go. it appears that he wants to come and see me before he heads off. i am moving this week back to albany so i told him that i wasn't going to have much free time but if he wanted to help me move...not really thinking that he would take me up on it. he made some lewd comment about helping me as long as he could do certain things to me and then proceeded to tell me of this woman he had been with and how all he did was talk to her about me. about how amazing i was and how looney (i love that compliment. makes me feel all warm and smooshy inside it does) this was right after telling me that either i was as crazy as they come or else i was truly meant for him but that either way, he loves me. the thing is, i beleive that in some twisted way of his that he does love me but only for how it makes him feel. and knowing that i should say no, in fact Did say no several times and called him on his highhanded way of treating me and how i have been wise to him the whole time, i proceeded to Not tell him that he couldn't come. i didn't mention it but the sex we have by far surpasses any thing i have ever experienced. i am not sure how he can't be aware that this was the only reason i ever put up with his shit... to just feel that way one more time. anyway, i know i shouldn't see him but i also know that my body will win once again over my mind and that if he does come i will let him stay and probably fuck up the thing i have going right now. i guess i will get what i deserve then, won't i? wish that i could be a little more heartless and tell him to screw himself or at least one of the supposed many that throw themselves at him in his line of work. ok. off to bed and up early to pack some more before work. nitie nite.

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