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2004-08-24 - 11:24 p.m.

Ok, so onto more of my life with a bit thrown in of today's new additions.

i believe i left off in the history of ticia at my youth. some more of that which is pretty interesting is that my dad was dodging the draft and we lived in a tent for a while in canada for a summer (i also lived in one when i was older for a summer but i will get to that in due time) what i know about that time and what i remember are totally different things, all i can remember is a little tent and it being crowded but it was actually a big ol canvas one that you can not even find anymore. i believe our rotted away a few years later when we were living in an old farmhouse with all of my parents hippie friends. but i am jumping ahead w/out telling a bit of pertinent info. my dad didn't want to be in the army anymore so he talked to his commander (or whatever they are called in the army) and they decided the best way for him to get out was to fight him in public and get a dishonorable discharge which i guess would be appropo for his behavior at the time. my dad was not only screwing the sitter but also her mom which didn't sit too well with mine. anyway, after the tent thing, we bounced around, lived on the commune in Cali for a bit and mom didn't go for the free love thing. especially after dads got crabs from one of his 'free love' partners. oh, forgot this one - my name was soooo close to being Sunshine. ha. wouldn't that have been a joke and a half?

so, after another commune in Louisianna where i remember a dark barn, running around in the rotting hay and being deathly afraid of some boogeyman that the older kids told me about we moved to PA. this is where we lived in the old farmhouse. i remember once when we were ripping down one of the walls, we found a small rodent skeleton and there began my fascination with life and death (this part doesn't last long because when i was a few years older i squished a baby frog once from surprise when i lifted up a rock in the nearby stream and dropped it back down. its lifeless body w/ the guts streaming out floating down the stream properly horrified me and there ended my interest in the death part. although not enough to keep me from poking the things we found in the forest to see the maggots squirm. gross i know but still interesting to a child.) i also remember my mom piercing my dad's ear with a needle and a string attached w/ knots in it to keep pulling to open up the hole. they had friends over all of the time and they smoked pot, did acid and basically lived the good ole hippy life. that is until the good ole JW's came a callin. mom was instantly enamored with the idea of living for eternity w/ her fellow brothers and sisters (and what hippie wouldn't that appeal to???) so, they became Jehovah's witnesses. unfortunately, such a holy life didn't become him and he kept up with the cheating and pot. my mom found him getting my 2 year old brother high in the barn once and that sent her over the top. finally she dropped him when his cheating and life attitude didn't go with the JW thing.

now we lived in the big ole house w/ no dad. mom was waitressing to make ends meet and met my lovely ex stepfather at Potato City Inn. this wonderful place was near a ski mountain called Denton Hill so there were some big time skiiers that came in there. we used to go and hang out when she was working. i saw her spill a whole tray of food on some rich customers once and felt so horrible when she was crying that i promised to help her from then on in. i think that is when i started to grow up but it becomes much more pronounced later on. after she met and married a man willing to take on her and two kids. (not a bad deal when you think of it. she had a great place, a huge garden and was a do-er. plus my mom was/is really beautiful. so, mr. pretend got himself a great deal. not us...)

third chapter in ticia's life (with the small interlude of mom's #1 divorce) my new dad seemed pretty damn cool. he had a shock of vibrant red hair. his family owned a huge dairy farm where we got to play. i especially loved the barns and the silo w/ the smell of fresh corn. we were allowed to drop down and play in the corn w/ our bare feet. it was really lovely for a while. his parents and 11 siblings seemed pretty cool. at least they had a table hockey game we loved and also they had Pong. (and thus began my love of video games) plus, new dad let me come and ride with him in the cement truck he rode. i played hangman with him in the cab and he let me help guide the sluice when the cement came out and also smooth the cement when it was poured. i even was allowed to carve my initials in the setting cement. he used to live in this bachelor pad w/ indian rugs on the wall and ate baby food which cracked me up. well...he became a JW for my mom and there went the neighborhood. seems that newdad had a small man complex. i won't really go into it but i will touch on a few of the things that influenced who i am today. one of which should have let me see what was coming - he didn't like my pets and gave one of my cats, samson, to some friends. their boys cut off his whiskers and he died by getting his head caught in a hole and broke his neck. he gave away another one to his parents (really to the barn) and it was squished by a cow sitting on it. i hated him a little for that one but was still enamored enough to forgive those things. they get worse.

they bought land (7 acres) and built a house. i was able to help lay the foundation and everything. i loved those days. there was a stream where skunk cabage grew by its side. if you were really careful, you could pull the center leaves out really slowly and fan yourself with them (and smell the skunk smell. oooooh.) our irish setter loved to bark and try to grab the shifting things that shimmered in the light (the rocks) she would fish out rocks for us and we built a damn in the stream. at this point he gave away our final cat. Jeffy-bo. i had had him since before i was born (he was 6 months older than i) i cried till he said that we would get him back. too late. he had run away from the place 8 miles away. (i know this is jumping ahead but, a year later we were driving home over a back road and i yelled 'STOP!! i see jeffy. he was sitting on the steps of a trailer that was a mile away from our house. i knew who it was immediately. he was siamese and very distinctively marked. i got out of the car and ran up calling him. he croaked out a meow and ran to me. and we took him home. i still wish we hadn't.) so, i am going to leave out a lot here as you don't need to know the dirty details. mom got preggers and newdad changed. he became mean and agressive. i don't know if this was because he was picked on as a child or if he was being influenced by the JWs that didn't like the power my hippie mom had over him and our household. they believe that the man is the HEAD of the household and we looked to mom for answers, not him. oh, wait, first a few other good memories of him or at least because of him. he used to come in and kiss me goodnight and scruff his beard over my face and i would giggle in delight. also he took us to his work friend's house and we jumped off into the hay for hours in the barn from the loft. ok. so back to mom being knocked up. he changed overnight. once i was home sick from school and he wanted her to bring him his lunch. when she wouldn't, he came home in a fury and i heard her screams and found him sitting on her very pregnant belly and punching her in the face. he stopped when i grabbed at him. the next day was the first time i ever remember my mom wearing makeup. she had to to cover up the bruises. they would have asked at the meetings. so, my little brother was born and although i was pissed that i did not get a sister i was so in love with that boy that i used to have nighmares about him getting lost.

not too long after that he became a monster. he would hit my baby brother for crying in his crib. he would hit us for not finishing dinner 5 min. after mom even if she dragged out her eating. the first of the really horrid things that he did to me came after his hitting me (with sticks, boards, the pig slop spoon - until my other brother threw that into the woods) i came home from school one day and he said to me when we were on our way to a JW meeting. 'oh, hay. look in the box behind my seat.' he had taken Jeffy and had him put to sleep. i began to learn to hate. when i looked up, the final change in me began. i hated him for hitting my mom but our religion allowed for this. i got out of the car and ran to my special place in the woods where there was a grove of trees that opened up to a sunlit soft grassy area. i buried jeffy there and for years after would go lie down next to him and just lose myself in the sun and sweetness of the grass.

a few months later. when he had stopped beating me altogether because of my lack of a response (i would stoically sit there and not move or cry out. i would remove myself) he obviously decided to break me again. we had pigs that we had raised from tiny piglets. yes, i know. a bit charlotte's web here but, i loved them. i would go play with them for hours. i knew they were meant for slaughter but still loved them. he asked me to come down and help to slop them (with a New spoon...) and when i got there he hit one in the head with a hammer. i gazed on in horror as it dropped and twitched and blood oozed out of the head wound. it squealed and attempted to get up. he looked at me and hit it again. i dropped off the rail and walked away, crying silent hot tears. Then i began to withdraw. he took away my books that were my only escape on the grounds that they were evil. the Happy Hollisters. i am sure i am the only one who read these books but they were far from evil. of a family that solved crimes. woooohooo. nasty evil stuff that. and the lion the witch and the wardrobe was Right out.

sooo, i will continue another nite. two friends are on their way over to help me pack.

one of which is said ex that i obviously didn't say no to. sooo. i will continue later. maybe you want to read more. if not and i am boring you... just know, it does get way more interesting as time goes on.

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