2004-08-20 - 9:13 p.m.

This is something i wrote at work the other day while i was ultra-bored. testing software just isn't that exciting when everything keeps breaking and the response you get is typically 'well, that is the way it has been functioning for years and no one has complained yet...' my response to that is too graphic to put here but it also involves the fact that the users in the field are complete computer idiots so of course they don't complain. they just don't know better...

ok anyway, if you work in a building with an elevator and more than 2 floors:

The Elevator Shuffle

What a fine dance it is. Some of the performers are quite adept dancers and when you get a group of them together things run like a well-oiled machine. This is what you see if you happen to glance in: as each participant enters the elevator they go precisely to the proper spot starting at the corner closest to where they entered and then turning correctly, leaning forward and selecting their floor, leaning back to hold their hands either in front of them on their bag/briefcase or if they have no accoutrements, then casually at their sides or clasped in front. They give a quick glance up and offer a small, non-committal smile at the next boarder and then cast their eyes forward to the floor button panel. When the elevator is full with perfectly spaced riders and the doors are sliding closed, all eyes rise to the floor indicator with an expectant pleasant smile and eyes widened in anticipation. As each floor is approached the person/s about to depart politely shuffle their possessions and look toward the door murmuring something like �this is my stop�, �excuse me� or some other appropriate comment and then slide obsequiously through the assemblage. As the area empties, the others adjust appropriately so that everyone is evenly spaced, no one is shunned by their position or left to feel a pariah. All the while smiling courteously at their neighbor when shifting into their new spot. This is what I call the Shuffle. It is a beautiful dance if executed properly. However, this will very rarely happen. Usually one or several of many things will happen to muck up the dance. Most frequently there will be that person desperate to get to work or just reach their destination that even though the room is full still smiles obliviously and shoves in, thus forcing everyone into a round of �oh, sorry�, �oompfh�, �oops� and apologetic smiles while stepping on each other, elbowing people on both sides while attempting to fit and not ram your baggage into the rear end of the person in front of you. People now are forced to turn sideways, flatten themselves against the wall, hold their bags higher up in front of themselves in order to avoid any further awkwardness and meet other people�s eyes. While facing in these new directions you are forced to look at the other riders and cannot view the floor indicator without craning your neck and getting a kink. This forces inane comments like �hmm. Sure is nice out�, the raised eyebrow smirk as if to say �yeah, I understand the discomfort. I am with ya. This Does suck� and then even sometimes leads to the �communal� elevator witty repertoire of the shared stories that are always awkwardly cut short and leave you feeling somewhat unfinished. When this happens you feel the need to acknowledge the other passengers with some sort of �have a nice day� or smile or something else that is unnecessary if you had been doing the Shuffle.

Another thing that mucks up the process is when someone gets on with too many bags or hot food or a still-wet umbrella. Everyone then shows sympathy, sort of moves forward as if to lend a hand or tries to move further away to give more space. The worst result of this one is when the food is smelling up the elevator. Comments like �ummm. Smells good.� Or �great. Now I am hungry for Chinese.� Come out without your meaning it to and then you get the suspicious look that says �back off, you can�t have this, it is mine you greedy pig. It�s for the party.� What makes this all ok is when someone else pipes up with a �well, if the elevator gets stuck at least we will have something to eat.� This usually leads to thoughts of munching on castaways on a desert island or something of the sort based on the looks of distaste on everyone�s face. Of course, this may be a result of the comment that comes soon after the doors close behind the offending food person of �whew. that smelled like cabbage soup.�

Once in a while you get the lonely ride with someone else of the opposite sex that is physically attractive and you know that both of you are considering that cologne commercial where the girl mauls the guy and you try not to look at each other and indicate that you are sharing such lascivious thoughts.

One of the worst killers of the shuffle though, is when you get on the elevator last second and as you move into your position you suddenly realize that someone smells like BO, poop and death all rolled into one The short fat woman on the right side of you is sighing, wheezing and mumbling under her breath while intermittently coughing as if to lose a lung and shifting in a highly irregular manner and scratching herself in odd places. The guy in front of you makes you wonder if there was in fact a snowstorm on the way in that you missed until you realize that he has horrid dandruff and a HUGE swollen whitehead that you are afraid is going to Burst on you as you stand there from the Weight of your gaze. When the doors finally open on your floor you are so frozen in horror and fascinated fear that you forget what your original purpose was and have to be startled into movement by the others looking about to see who it is that the doors have opened for.

As much as the Shuffle is a wonderful thing, there are other ways to gain enjoyment out of your ride.

I thought I would leave you with a few fun suggestions. A really humorous thing to do is to keep giving someone across the elevator amused by really trying hard not to laugh look and keep smiling and biting your lip. This will either amuse them and insure that they have a great day or it will confuse them and thus guarantee that they have more of a surreal day than usual, which everyone needs. Another grand thing to do after someone puts their arm or head through the door to stop it from closing is to recommend they use their foot next time because after all, the don�t want to end up like that doctor from Texas do they? Most people don�t know this story so you will get everyone�s attention with that one. Nonchalantly mention �yeah, he was racing for the elevator and it closed on him, decapitating him. The patient in the elevator had to be sedated and treated for traumatic stress.� This fills everyone�s minds with lovely visions of heads bouncing maniacally towards them and you can get off smiling and whistling to yourself with the knowledge of a job well done. If you can�t have the smoothness of the Shuffle, at least you can go on knowing that you have made lives more interesting and possibly safer.

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